Just Not Sure

I am just not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. Failed cycle after failed cycle. I have had, roughly, 6 people tell me this month that they are pregnant or their wife is pregnant. It's just everywhere and I cannot escape this.

We are on a forced break - I have been on DHEA for 3 weeks now. My DHEA level was at 99 before taking it and had a retest on Friday... hopefully it goes up.

My last AF was awesome though. I really think my Acupuncturist has done something... for the last 18 months, after going off b/c, my periods have been really light and only last 2/3 days. They were so light I could get away with wearing just pantyliners. Two cycles ago, it was much better and this last cycle was back to normal. It lasted longer and was much heavier. I take this to be a good sign.

We tried naturally this month and now have 1w to go - I am not feeling it ... but I guess I can hope? We are going to try IVF in the new year ... If that fails, I really dont know what I will do, if I can go on.

September

Well after August's IUI failed - we tried again. At least this time, ovulation wasn't nearly as painful.

Turns out, September's IUI failed too. Just lovely.

Find out various others are now preggers too.

August

Well had our first failed IUI with Clomid. I had the worse cramps of my life during ovulation. I couldn't move and couldn't eat. It was horrible. I've never had any serious cramps or such when ovulating or getting my period... until CLOMID.

We went to NYC to the US Open and it was wonderful. Four great days of no thinking about babies, infertility ... only to turn to work.

Upon which, I find out my close friend/co-worker is now pregnant, after like her 2nd month of trying. Sometimes, life just blows.

Pregnant - Not Pregnant

I really let my hopes up. I was late and no signs of that evil AF. We were in New Orleans, I started feeling a bit funny and was excited. We get home a few days later and take a HPT.

Positive.

I rush to Walgreens and buy more. The girl at the check out counter wished me good luck.

Took two more tests.

BIG FAT POSITIVE (BFN) !!!!!!


I go to the Dr the next day, assuming all is well. I should have known better. It was wasnt. My HCG was only at 16 and progesterone was 1.4. Basically, I am told to expect to miscarry.
This is devasting. Horrible for the both of us, as we just were over the moon.

The next few days were not pleasant. Lots of ... well the things that go along with miscarrying.

I hate the term Chemical Pregnancy. I hate it.

Now my hormones are all messed up and now have an estrogen cyst, so need to wait for that to go away before we can move onto the IUI.

Fucking sucks.

HSG Results

I can breath free - my HSG went very well. The radiologist told me that my tubes are clear, no cysts, scarring or such. PHEW. I was so freaking nervous about these results. The test itself was fine and really no pain.

Feeling a Bit Rough

I had what I like to call a mini-breakdown on Friday.

I cannot even describe how worried and stressed I am for the HSG test on Thursday. I know, I just know the outcome isn't going to be good. I am so scared to hear MORE bad news. I want something to go right for once.

I called my Mom on Friday and just broke down on the phone. The tears were streaming and I just told her all about how scared I am...

First HSG Test

I've scheduled my first HSG test, at Boulder Hospital, next week. I am really nervous. Not so nervous about the procedure itself but of what the outcome might be.

With the RE's thoughts on Tuesday, it makes me think now there is something else wrong. I guess if it's blocked tubes, etc, I know there is some hope that surgery can fix this.

I've been doing some reading on HSG tests and have read that it can help clear tubes and usually for about 3 cycles after, it's easier to conceive and your chances go up. I hope so.

Bad news about the insurance though, despite my insurance covering everything, I only have a $5k limit, $700 of which I've already used. This doesn't leave much for everything that I might need ... HSG tests, IUI's, possible IVF ... which the $5k wouldn't even make a dent in the $25k it costs to do.

Back to the HSG, I just hope I am not allergic to the dye...

Meeting with the RE

Today was our second meeting with the RE. He now has a month and a half of numbers, data, etc. With most of my results being ok or good, he ruled out premature menopause and ovarian failure. He told me at this point to just disregard my previous FSH numbers.

With twelve follies and 2 eggs released, he said that this was normal for my age. A lot of this was said 'normal for my age'. It made me feel like we should have started for kids years ago. He wants me to take this month off, no Clomid and then really no tests. I still need to go in for a progesterone test and he wants me to do an HSG, either this cycle or next.

Also, as I am 4 days late (I can feel I am not PG and feel AF coming) but they did a beta anyway.

So, now the plan is, take this cycle off, then the next cycle start Clomid and then we will do an IUI. Again good news my insurance covers this but it's not too expensive without... about $350 for each IUI and they usually do it twice around your LH surge. So we will start this sometime in July.

The RE said that if this doesn't work (it will increase our % to about 40%), then we will re-group and figure out what to try next. Sounds like we would probably do the IUI for a couple of cycles.

It was a really quick visit and we didn't really get to ask a lot of questions as he was off to surgery. The NP answered a lot of the questions and sometimes I feel they are just as knowledgeable as the RE, if not more!! She was saying that with normal fertility, etc, it's only a 20% chance each time of actually conceiving. Crazy to think about.

Overall, the new was what I expected and nothing to new. Just need to arrange an HSG, to flush my tubes and check for blockages. Now something else to worry about.

Tiring Day

I am not sure if it's because I am tired, sunburnt and hungry but this whole no-baby thing is really waying on my mind today. Part of it is that if I don't get an LH surge by tomorrow, I will be going back to the RE for an u/s to see for any RF's. This isn't good, I pray that I get a surge.

I started using the Clear Blue Easy tests and so far I don't like them. Twice now I've gotten nothing, not even the normal one test line. I used the Answer ones again and atleast got a single line.

I am feeling very stressed right now. With the job, with bills piling up and then the potential of having to spend upwards to $25k for a donor, or even IVF.

Cycle Day 10 Test

Finished the Clomid. Thank god. It was really making me dizzy. I went to bed last night and my eyes were twitching.... under my eyelids (my eyes are closed). It was the strangest thing and really making me worry.

Go to RE in the morning for FSH, AMH and Estradiol test.

Get the results, FSH is still at 8 and AMH is 1.1. Estrogen is excellent. Nurse is quite optimistic and tells me that she doesn't want to give me false hope but thinks I should be able to conceive with my own eggs. Yes!

Nurse tells me to come back if I get an LH surge and then if I don't get an LH surge for another ultrasound. She tells me if I don't conceive this month the RE should be able to give us a plan of action.

Cycle Day 3 Test

April 29th - Go to RE for b/w and u/s. U/S shows 12 resting follicles! Note, that this is not the, ahem, type of ultrasound they do on big pregnant bellies. Glad I was forewarned.

FSH comes back at 8. EIGHT. E I G H T!!! While this is still a bit high, it ain't 65 or even 14.4!!! This is awesome news to us.

AMH is 1.6, which is borderline to poor. They'd like it to be 3. Estrogen is excellent. My Karyotype comes back normal. Sweet, I spent $1000 for them to tell me that I am chromosomally (is that a word??) a normal female. Sheesh, was there a doubt???

Have to redo Fragile X, as my blood sample was frozen by accident.

Will take Clomid 100mg, Days 5-9 for the Clomid Challenge.

I am feeling slightly better now that my FSH is lower. I have told a few people at this point about what is going on. I am ultra sensitive about babies, pregnancy, etc. Seeing as my closest friend is 7 months preggers, it's hard.

I went to a baby shower recently and was quite frustrated and angry with a girl, just 19 weeks preggers and is bitching about how big her butt is getting. How tired she is and all the other miserable aches.

WTF. I would give anything for these discomforts and she is complaining about them? I'd like to slap her now.

A History - Part II

April 5th - Tell my parents we need to sit down and have a 'crucial converstation'. DH and I tell them everything. Lots of tears, lots of questions and love. It's very difficult to tell these things to a parent ... this isn't something you generally talk about to your parents. They dont want to know about their child having ... sex!



April 8th - DH and I go to see the RE at Conceptions. They do some b/w.

Dr tells us he can't really go off my current b/w results. The tests weren't done on the right days and my second FSH doesn't count as I was on Clomid. He isn't afraid of treating POF or high FSH. In fact he gives lecture/seminars on POF and high FSH.



We like him and feel he knows his stuff. He doesn't give us any false hope and seems confident on finding a plan for us.



He tells us to just relax and basically do nothing until the beginning of my next cycle. I still hold out hope that April will treat us well and we might conceive naturally (ok with a little help from Clomid).



April 19th - Told I am ovulating and prime for 'implantation' haha.



April 26th - My 29th Birthday. Have had some spotting and assume that this isn't good. Have a great Birthday anyway.



April 27th - Get AF. Damn.

A History

I can't believe that I have started a blog about this - the fact that we are going through this is still something I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around.

When we started trying a year ago, I went to my Family DR for a check up. Everything has been normal for me, normal periods, normal cycle, nothing out of the ordinary. EVER. Pap's always fine, never had painful menstrual cycles, etc. I have an LH surge every month ...

I assume everything is just peachy. Apparently, I was wrong.

I am now 28 years old.

March 27, 2008, I go to my new OB/GYN Nurse for another check up, as it's now been a year. She does some normal b/w testing my complete blood count, FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone), Prolactin and TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone). This is all done on Day 27. Will start taking 50mg Clomid and Progesterone.

I leave feeling fine, not worried about it, just assume this is all going to be fine.

April 2 - Nurse calls me at work and tells me the news. My TSH is good, at 2. Prolactin is fine at 13.3 and blood count is fine. My FSH on the other hand is 65. She tells me this really isn't good. Holy shit, what is this I am hearing? She goes on to tell me 'Its like you are going through menopause'. HUH?? Then continues to talk about Donor Egg (DE) options and Premature Ovarian Failure.

I cannot believe I am sitting in the bathroom at work hearing this. Damnit too, I am wearing my favorite shirt and now will never be able to wear it again without thinking about this horrible news.

She tells me that she cannot help me and I need to see a Reproductive Endocronologist (RE).

I am in complete shock. I quickly leave work and call the Dear Husband (DH). I tell him and I hear panic and utter worry in his voice.

I completely and utter lose it.

I call CCRM and Conceptions (in Denver). I get appointments with both and Conceptions is first. I spend the entire next week researching POF, high FSH, etc.

April 2nd continued - DH and I go back to the OB/GYN for more bloodwork and now on day 7. FSH comes back at 14.4 and Estridol at 160 and Inhibitor is within normal range.

Still a complete wreck and now have my parents visiting for a week. We haven't told them we were trying or anything else... how the hell do I handle this??